How to win the Lotto…for reals

drooling shithead number one


Sometimes, my brain goes into a complete fog, and I know nothing about anything, no ideas, just blank, boring and crap. But then! a spark ignites, and I come up with such genius plans, that I get all warm and fuzzy thinking about them…

Take this one….

So, imagine you won the lotto. You won a LOT of money this time, like the million Pounds one. Like 10 MILLION POUNDS actually. NO, you don’t make the grave error of letting the newspapers ‘interview’ you, as every charity that ever existed, and some that don’t but will quickly make one up, will call on you for ‘help’, (even though they aren’t even legit)…but MOST of all, those weezly, whiny, spineless shitty people, who left you in the dirt, due to your mental illness, will suddenly have ‘come to their senses’, and call you QUICKLY.

So this is how it’ll go (omg how I love this part!)

Knock knock….(on the door)…

you open the door and there stands shithead number one…coming in for some of the loot!..

Me:  fake a smile and say ‘HI! how are you! come in, so nice to see you!’, as you struggle not to pee in your pants with sheer delight, due to what you have in store for shithead number one…

Shithead number one: ‘OMG, it’s SOOOO good to see you! How have you been?? I’ve MISSED you! …..I heard you won! That is amazing, wow you soooo deserve it! you’re such a wonderful person!’ squeaks shit head….

Me: ‘Yes!! isn’t it wonderful! I’m SOooo fortunate (you whine the soooo out, because you’re being sarcastic and they think you’re not), and it’s so good to see you too! It’s been yonks! come in, lets have a drink to celebrate!’

You invite shithead number one inside… and shithead number one can’t take the fake grin off of it’s face. You notice this of course, but what shithead number one doesn’t know, is that YOUR grin is for REALS!

Me: ‘Take a seat, I’m just going to fetch my suitcase upstairs’

Shithead number one: ‘Great!!  take your time! Soooo good to see you!’

Me...comes down the stairs carrying a suitcase FULL of Hundred Pound Notes. HARD CASH. I then open up the case and toss all of the money all over the floor, and then say to shithead number one ‘check it out! would you like some?’

Shithead number one: ‘Oh my word, seriously? How kind of you, I can’t believe this! I don’t know what to say!!’… then shithead grovels on all fours with sweaty palms to collect the loot that’s sprinkled all over the floor, dribbling with excitement….

At that point…!!

Me:  (loudly) – ‘If you TOUCH just ONE Pound of MY money, I’ll have you arrested for theft! But while you’re down there, you can stay on all fours and apologise to me for being a shithead bastard,  and walking away from me, only coz I’m mentally ill’!

Now THAT is winning the Lotto for REALS!!


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