Sometimes my un-ending quest for knowledge has led me to understand things I’d rather have stayed ignorant about. Sometimes, it’s the type of information that I can’t do anything with… most of the time it’s information that I’d rather do nothing with. This information(being just a part of the big picture) becomes more useful and less bothersome with more understanding and time; though, a lot of the time they were things that stuck with me for a while and changed the way I looked at people and the world for too many years.
Topics that reflected the darker sides of humanity started to become a theme for me when I realized the evils and lies that our government, communities, and my own family portrayed. I started viewing my hometown as a desolate, wasteland desert; all things that used to fascinate me turned into fallacies, empty of meaning. The more I dug in, the more negativity I found. It came to a point where no place was home and I yearned for ignorance to have a bit of the joy that I once saw in things.
I asked for and wanted to understand the worst in people so that I could fix things in the world. In turn, I became immersed in something that was too far out of my control with no way back in sight. It all sounds a little dramatic to me now, but I guess I didn’t have the right support systems back then… I was trying to tackle problems that most people don’t have answers to at an age where I was still susceptible to higher degrees of influence from my environment(s).
I started to question everything, as my whole world seemed built on a lie. The worlds I immersed myself in only echoed the sentiment that there was no good left, only lies. The people, the buildings, the activities; all reflected the darkness that was looming. My way out came in the form of meeting truly good people. Before I became aware of the darkness, I wasn’t able to appreciate the truly good people around. Now, I seek to add more of these people as possible to my life; to help create more.
When every person in my world seemed like they bought into the BS and the ignorance; that I would have to join them in this trend or forever be stuck looking in… that was when my life started changing toward a direction of providing for others. The darkness that loomed started to brighten in some areas and in time became the perspective I was showing myself at that moment(not the entire reality). In the end, it turned out that what mattered the most was there the whole time and it took my journey through the dark knowledge in order to appreciate it.
It took a higher understanding of balance in seeking the true nature of how things exist. Although rare at first(compared to the atrocities), I started a search to regain the goodness I felt before I became aware. A lot of it took me creating the environment myself, and the more I had done so the more my environment brought me toward days even better than the past I had hoped in. I’m sure this is a phase that many people go through at some point in their life; I believe mine was experienced as a trade of sacrificing a few years of my youth for knowledge I wouldn’t normally receive until much later.
If you’re going through some dark times yourself, or if you yearn for days past… know that you are learning a lesson and don’t give up in finding happiness again. It’s time to grow up and be the light for others; it’s time to wake up and join the others that have been there the whole time keeping this world a place worth living. It’s a time to celebrate and share with others that we are creating a plane of existence that’s better than before; because now we understand and appreciate the things that matter.